


I'm Not Okay (But I'm Fine)

by OneOfTheYoungest



Series: False Faces and Unfair Ultimatums [2]
Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Hurt Kaz Brekker, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rating May Change, Tags May Change, Touch Aversion, Touch-Averse Kaz Brekker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:35:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26499499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneOfTheYoungest/pseuds/OneOfTheYoungest
Summary: Sequel to False Faces and Unfair Ultimatums.The worst may be over, but the effects still linger.
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Series: False Faces and Unfair Ultimatums [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1926577
Comments: 16
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yay, I'm back! Didn't think it would be done so quickly, but I guess I write fast when it's midnight :D
> 
> Enjoy!

Inej wishes her life was like a character's in a child's story book. No matter what they go through, they're always alright at the end, back to their happy, _stupid_ lives.

She wishes she had a happy ever after. 

Now that they've got Kaz and her back, the most pressing problem is Pekka. He's going to strike back—anyone would be an idiot to believe he's done with Kaz. He'll be hiding his time, and when he's ready, he'll attack with a plan even more brutal that the last. 

And Inej dreads what that will be. Especially because...

Pekka knows about Kaz's biggest weakness. He _knows_ , and as much as Inej is loathe to admit it, she knows that it's her fault. And she blames herself for it 

And she thinks Kaz does too. 

She hasn't seen him in a while—but he was clearly not okay at Wylan's house, right after they got back, of _course_ he wasn't. 

That's the worst part—seeing how Kaz is so not okay and pretending that he is. His acting, as usual, is near flawless—only she saw the how he flinched at her voice, how he shrank into himself when she drew near. Only she noticed how he was quiet—and not like usual, when he's reserved and cold, but like he was hurting. 

And God knows he must be. 

Inej wants to help him—and she would, if he let her. But instead, he's throwing himself into his work, and whenever Inej goes to check up on him, Anika apologetically informs her that he's too busy and has strictly ordered not to be disturbed. 

After the fifth time, Inej gives her a look. "Is he actually that busy?" she asks. 

Anika shrugs. "I don't know what he does, holed up in his office. Spends all day there, then slips up to his room without anyone noticing. I haven't seen him in a while, to be honest."

She pauses, then adds, "Is...everything alright between you two?" 

Inej nods distractedly. "Is he in his office?" 

Anika sighs. "Ghafa—" 

Inej ignores her and slips past Anika, but then a hand grabs her wrist. She turns, and Anika gives her a look. 

"I'm not stopping you because I know you're good for him," she says. "And I know he needs it. But I'm begging you, don't leave him in a bad mood. We all have to suffer for it." 

Inej gives her a grateful nod and knocks loudly. 

"For Ghezen's sake," Kaz growls from inside. "Anika, what do I keep you around for?" 

"She wouldn't listen, boss," Anika calls, then gives her a look as if to say _good luck,_ and leaves. 

Inej lets herself in. 

Kaz is, as expected, sitting on his desk, glaring at her. He's pale and thin and there are dark bags under his eyes, but the scowl he gives her is still impressive. 

"Kaz," she says. "Don't look at me like that." 

He raises an eyebrow. "You were supposed to leave this morning." 

Inej shrugs. "So eager to watch me go?" she asks. "I changed my mind. I wanted to stay a little while longer." 

"Why?" Kaz's stare is piercing, as if he's daring her to admit she's worried. 

Inej sighs to herself. "I wanted to spend some more time with you, after that...fiasco." She watches him carefully for any sign of a flinch, or something, but Kaz's face is completely inscrutable.

"I'm busy," he says. 

After a second, Inej braces herself and reaches out to him, and there—he flinches, though it's almost imperceptible. Inej draws back, her heart aching, and Kaz twists his hands in his gloves, avoiding her eyes. 

"I'm busy," he repeats. 

For a moment, there's an awkward silence. Then Inej says, "Kaz—"

"Wraith," he interrupts, then catches himself, something flashing in his eyes. Inej remembers how he'd called her that and she'd replied harshly, _I'm not the Wraith anymore_ , _am I?_ The ache in her heart intensifies.

"Captain Ghafa," he amends, and it _hurts_ to think that he still can't bring himself to say her name, "I'm busy. Leave, before I make you." 

She feels like she's going to cry. "Kaz," she tries, one last, desperate shot. "Please." 

He falters, ducking his head so she can't see it, and his hands twist again, tugging at his gloves. He takes a long breath. He says nothing, makes no move of making her leave, so Inej presses on. 

"Please, just talk to me, alright? I know it's hard, that you might still think I'm going to hurt you, but—" 

"Inej," he cuts in, voice an abraded rasp, "I am perfectly fine. You needn't worry." He takes another breath. "I want you to leave."

Inej closes her eyes. "I love you, Kaz," she says thickly, and feels him stiffen. "I...I want us again." 

He says nothing for what feels like an eternity. Then he inhales sharply and says, "Don't make me repeat myself."

Tears press against Inej's throat. She tries not to let them flow and ducks her head, backing away. Kaz avoids her eyes, fiddling with the papers on his desk. 

"Goodbye, Kaz," she says, and somehow it feels like a permanent farewell.

He doesn't reply.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...sorry.

Kaz is numb. 

Any other, _normal_ person would have long since started crying, but he simply stares at the paper in front of him, the pressure behind his eyes unbearable, the press of tears against his throat so much that it aches. 

_Goodbye, Kaz._

Oh, sweet, sweet Inej. She was trying so hard to help him, but damn him and his pride—he didn't let himself give in to her worry. He's not the kind of oblivious idiot who doesn't know when he's not doing well. He knows he's affected by the events that took place not a week ago—he's having more nightmares, feeling more and more jumpy. He's exhausted, he thinks as he takes a shaking breath and drops his head into his hands, mentally, emotionally and physically. But he doesn't dare close his eyes. No comfort awaits him there either—just haunting memories of Jordie's corpse, of him clinging on for his life. Sometimes, it's Inej's body he's clutching. 

He can't bear it. So he doesn't sleep. Doesn't close his eyes, even for a moment, because if he does, the memories will drown him, and Rollins will strike in that millisecond of weakness—

Oh, _Ghezen_ , Rollins. 

Damnit, Kaz had already written him off as done and destroyed, another one of his victims. None of them ever dared to try and strike back—and if they did, Kaz has always stopped them before they even begun. 

But Pekka is clearly different. 

But Kaz doesn't intend to let him con him again, just as he's did when he was an innocent boy. 

A headache pulses behind his eyes. Kaz takes a tight breath and presses his fingers to his temples. Outside, he can hear the noise die down as the dregs head off to bed. It's late, so late that it could be considered morning. 

Kaz sits for a while, head in his hands, till someone knocks on his door. 

"Boss?" It's Anika. 

Kaz sighs. "What is it?" 

"You gonna head up to bed soon?" 

"What's it got to do with you?" Kaz snaps. 

"Well, I'm turning in, so just wanted to let you know."

Kaz doesn't reply, massaging his temples, trying to push away the exhaustion nagging at him. He hears Anika walk away and after a while, places his hands on the table and braves himself. Levering himself to his feet is more painful than it should be—his body is sore and his leg's always worse in the cold weather. A slight hiss escapes him. 

He drags himself up to his room, cursing himself for—damn, he doesn't know why he's cursing himself. Weariness is settling over him like a heavy blanket. 

Ghezen, he needs to get his act together. 

His room is a mess, which is unusual, and there lies a folded paper on his desk, which he eyes for a long while before picking up.

_I just wanted you to know I'm heading out again. Write to me, okay?_

_Love, your Wraith._

Kaz's heart does a weird dance. _My Wraith_. A smile almost spreads across his face, but then fades. _No. She's not my Wraith. She's not...she's not mine at all_. 

Damn him, he can't bring himself to trust Inej again. What if it's all an act? Had she really been able to shake all the control off in that split second? Or is there something lurking still, waiting to rear its ugly head? 

Is she waiting for him to trust her? And when he does—she'll strike. 

No, Kaz insists. Inej is herself again. She would never hurt me.

But the doubt still lingers. 

Kaz crumples the paper in a sudden fit of anger, hauling it across the room. Of all the things he's gone through, never has he been faced by betrayal like this from one of his _own_. One of his _family_. And now, when it's Inej of all people, it almost hurts worse than Jordie's death. 

The anger is fading away, and panic is rushing in again. He's been numb for so long, refusing to give into the unbearable pressure in his chest. He hasn't allowed himself to cry, or to grieve, or to process anything. He's only raged, at himself and everybody else, and once the fury departs, it leaves him exhausted, with that knot in his chest only worse than before. 

And then suddenly, the hair at the back of his neck prickles. The dread and the anxiety return full force. 

Outside, a crow croaks, but is cut off suddenly. Kaz flinches. 

Something is wrong. He can feel it in the air. 

Pekka is back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS ARE LIFE.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't exactly know when the next chapter might be up, but it won't be long (hopefully!) 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave comments and kudos!! Just takes a moment, but it makes my day :D


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